lean on this shoulder, dont ponder i hear what your saying, and he hear's you praying. lean some more, just keep remembering that dream you had...were you saw...are father and jesus, ka he freed us...he got on that cross for you and me, thats love, but it just doesnt come from up above, its here in the fields, the clouds, the ocean, each scenery provokes a different emotion, i promise you that all i have for you is devotion. every tree and grain of sand is made by his hand, there's some things that he does that were not ment to understand, and thats were our trust comes in. yes and of course we all wish we could begin...are lives all over again...but id never change anything of these past six years, those memmories are my only life, you took me as i was, not because you had to, and thats why i love you! i know life destracts us at times, but you should know id drop EVERYTHING if you needed me, the love for you consumes my soul, i can feel it swimming under my skin, and the only sin...is that i cant show you my river of love! your the first person i see whan i wake up and at night, and its only for you that i like the sight...of my reflection in the mirror, ka you gave me life when one one else could, i know they say water isnt as thick as blood, but in this case it is, the love is in my touch and its ingraved in my kiss!
-- Edited by waiting to exhale at 03:26, 2007-08-21
i fell apart the very momment i knew you had mt heart, you'd say share your problems, id reply i cant, i worried that my problems would drive us apart. i tryed to keep it together for aslong as i could, no shelter from this rain storm, not even a hood. when it rains it pours. no where to run, no exit sighns above the doors. i lost myself as i found myself. im sorry for all those things i said, and all the things i didnt say. i still regret those years till this very day. i guess i stayed around because of the guilt, i knew as time went by i would make it up to you one day, and hopefully the horrible memmories you had of me would fade away. i know were close now, and our friendship means everything to me, i guess us being lovers wasnt ment to be. or is it because i was a an agressive girlfriend?!!
my regrets are that i never said i loved you more, would you still have hurt me knowing that? i look in the mirror and see your face, do you see mine? was there ever a time...when i made you proud? why wasnt my behaviour allowed? was i that distruptive? or was it just an excuse to abandon me and let me loose? i missed coming in at night and seeing your face, ive lived all over but that was the only place...that felt like home. now your experiencing how it feels living this life alone. its not easy is it? were similar in the sense that we dont have friends? we havnt got time...thats the message we send. are time is to consumed in the past, time goes slow but then again it goes to fast, slow because those bad days lasts so long, but to fast that we havnt had time to change our selves. you alway said id end up working in the kwik save stocking shelves, for once you was wrong coz i havnt even been able to accomplish that, you'd say something hurtful, id say something back, its always been tit-for-tat, but the thing was you was an adult and i was a child, your anger realy confused me...and thats putting it mild. every night i wished that was the night you tooked me into bed, and every night with out fail it didnt happen, at night id hear you in my brothers room playing and laughin...you realy did know how to hurt me didnt you? why didnt you love me because i loved you...despite everything, you were the only male in my life that ment anything. gawd as children were so nieve...you beleive those lies that everything they do is for your best intrest, you were never intrested in what goals i wanted to acheive, you never cared were i slept when you asked me to leave, id hold my breath so i couldnt breath..hoping id go to heaven, away from all this pain...away from your game!!
i can forget but i cant forgive, my soul has died but my memmories still live. iv learnt to take and not to give, id take any heart just aslong as it wasnt mine. i hope there is reincarnation because i hope this is not my only chance at life. i didnt know the serious conciquences of picking up that knife, didnt you see it was a cry for help? an angry child screaming out, what about...the time i came home drunk and told you how lonely i felt, mum why didnt your heart melt? you knew just what i ment, so little time was spent...explaining my past, and if i did receive help from outside our home it wouldnt last, why was you scared of what i might tell them, or was it because you didnt want to be judged for your parenting skills, the reason you'z worked so much and the reason why i was mostly with him was because you'z needed to pay the bills. they must have been some huge bills. maybe that why he hated me for having to retire early to stay at home, its not like i chose that path, or for you to be uncomftable seeing your little daughter nakerd in the bath. you'd never smile when i would laugh, and when i cryed, you never cared. you never comforted me on those nights when i was scared, and you abandoned me when i needed you the most.
another night, another dream...i see his face...i wake from hearing my scream. twenty years ago but yet it still seems like it was last night, the only diffrence is im older now...and not much braver because i still freeze smelling his odour. i still cry hearing his voice giving me direction, tears of a lost childhood spent with his erection. i look at photographs and was surprised to see that i seemmed a happy child, but maybe thats even more sad hiding such a big secret at such a young age, im more or less still on that page...dont want to open up incase people laugh at my jokes not because they were funny but out of pity. i guess it would be hard not to pity that life, but would you still love me if i hadnt of had that life?! guess we'l never know, id be to scared to know that answer. but i think i know what it would be, you see...a survivor, i see...nothing. you see the pain and i feel the pain, and its sad to say it will always be the same, even if you had gone through something similar, every situation is diffrent, different emotions diffrent names, we travel this road alone. we share the guilt but that is all!
-- Edited by waiting to exhale at 16:48, 2007-08-20
